It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
You Might Also Like
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
This is enough internet for the day.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.