“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts