How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
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ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.