I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
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My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Sending in my taxes
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
cat vs inanimate object
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it