Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
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Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever