Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
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A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?