Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
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who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
somewhere, in an alternate universe
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids