I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
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Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
He wanted to make sure😂
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
This headline is a thing of beauty
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department