Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
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Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.