I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
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*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.