Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
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Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.