My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
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(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
sir, my pâté if you please
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
A dad and his duck
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.