During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
You Might Also Like
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
#Caturday
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?