The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
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Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS