friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
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Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably