Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
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I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Bit chilly again tonight.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”