Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
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Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow