Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
You Might Also Like
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ