You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
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There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Beauty and the Beast
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words