Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
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Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I would like even faster food.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Brilliant!
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.