I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
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The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.