Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
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purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now