Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
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When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.