Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
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Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.