To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
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Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Battery falling down a hole
A huge thanks to the person that did this
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?