I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
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Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
peep davidson
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.