[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
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Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I hope it’s French Onion!
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…