[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
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No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
😂😂😂
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.