Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
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My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Solving a traffic jam
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Friday night party time 🥳
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”