I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
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I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My god she’s good.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.