My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
You Might Also Like
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
This is I, Robot all over again
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”