I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
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greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
That’s easy for you to say
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good