‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
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Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Lmao
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.