Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
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Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.