At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.