coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
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[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent