I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
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Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.