I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
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One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.