Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
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Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.