It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
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Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Sheep
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???