imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
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Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Ion see the issue
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it