HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
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Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I did not eat the cake…
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.