The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
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Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.