*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
You Might Also Like
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on