Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
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Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?