Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
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Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?