I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
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Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food