*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
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I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.