It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
You Might Also Like
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.