Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
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[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
can’t catch a break
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse